The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
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“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.