They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited