As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.