haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
You Might Also Like
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂