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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!