I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Proofread twice, hang posters once
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia