“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
When I said I liked it rough.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ