I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
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WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
NASA has no chill
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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