[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
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Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
New favorite tiktok
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
This fish is cracking me up
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Quadruple digit IQ
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha