Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Did my cat write this
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray