It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
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Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.