gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!