If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
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I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.