ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
You Might Also Like
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
He-man has a Masters degree
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW