I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
How software testing works
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why