ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.