having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.