My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
You Might Also Like
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?