Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
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My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Isn’t
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.