Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
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1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
それは草
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.