I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
so this horse walks into a bar
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.