“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think