Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
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If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me trying to look natural in photos
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.