Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty