Me My dog
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
my nickname in college
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.