FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
You Might Also Like
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
me doing my best
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.