[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped