My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Lmfao
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.