Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
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[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh