I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
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how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
The point of your 20s
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.