Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
You Might Also Like
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Good morning