My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
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Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
🤭😂
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped