During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
You Might Also Like
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Guilty! 🤪
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
💀
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.