The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
You Might Also Like
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.