Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
everyone has that one prude friend
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.