genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Found the job I’m suited for
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future