[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.