friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.