*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
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[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.