A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants