Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Get off my horse you stupid moon
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!