My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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BRAKING NEWS!!
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
R.I.P.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.