Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
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I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.