Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
You Might Also Like
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together