Basically.
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Mhm.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
me and the Superbowl rn
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral