Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
You Might Also Like
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
…żyje?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
X-tra spooky blend
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”