farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
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Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Interior design 👌
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?