Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
*praying for world peace*
God:
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.