[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF