[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
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Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?